Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Finding #NeverTrump: The Perfect Candidate

Trigger Warning:
We're off to find you the perfect candidate...
"Oh God, Radius, I'm so depressed!"

Aww, what's wrong, Mr. NeverTrump?
"The country's going straight to Hell in a hand-basket.  Donald Trump's probably going to be president, and there's nothing we can do to stop it!"

Wait I thought you guys found your dream candidate.  Isn't that Evan McMullin guy the One True Conservative alternative?  What happened to him?
Did he join Hillary Clinton's Witness "Protection" Program?
"Oh please, the man is the exact kind of Paul Ryan fake conservative that got us into this mess in the first place.  Plus, he looks like some alternate universe Professor X that drives around in a windowless van asking kids if they want to see the mutant puppies he has in the back."
Wow...I literally have no idea how to respond to that...
"It's bad, Radius.  It's real bad."

Well it sounds like you just haven't met the right guy yet.  Quite frankly I had a feeling this might happen.  I've actually been preparing for just such an eventuality.
"You have?"

Yes I have, Mr. NeverTrump.  Look this whole search boils down to one thing: what are you looking for in a perfect candidate.  You're never going to get anywhere if you glom onto whatever weirdo Bill Kristol chooses to parade in front of you.
Sorry, but it's true...
You need to figure out exactly what you want, and then go out there and grab it.
Grab it like a Syrian refugee on New Year's Eve...
"Well...what do I want?"

I know independent thinking is a real challenge for you, Mr. NeverTrump.  That's why I've gone ahead and made a list of characteristics that I think embody the perfect #NeverTrump candidate.
Tell me what you think of these:

1. You want someone who's never going to give you up or let you down, right?

"Oh my God, yes!  I can't count the number of times we've been let down by these damn career politicians.  McCain was a complete dud.  I mean he didn't even want to attack Obama on Jeremiah Wright.  And who the hell stops their campaign to vote for a trillion dollar spending bill?  Romney tanked with his 47% comment, and then he pussed out against Trump.  Even Ted Cruz turned out to be a monumental failure!  Even after Glenn Beck said God spoke to him and told him Ted Cruz would be the next president.  I just don't want to be let down anymore."

2. The perfect candidate is never going to run around and desert you.
"I mean yeah, you never want your candidate to just abandon you when things get tough.  They've got to stick by you through the good times and the bad.  We don't want someone who's just going to run off when the chips are down."

3. Now the perfect candidate is also never going to make you cry.  He's certainly never going to say goodbye, either.
"Umm...okay.  That's...that's kind of an odd way to put it, but yeah why not."

4. Finally, the ideal candidate is completely honest.  He would never tell a lie and hurt you.
"Yes.  Honesty can't be overstated.  Hillary Clinton lies about literally everything.  Ask her five times what color the sky is and you'll get five different answers.  Six if you donate enough to the Clinton Foundation first.  Trump isn't any better.  He lies about his record, he lies about being a conservative, and I know for a fact his hair isn't real!  These lies hurt the American people, and we don't deserve to be hurt anymore."

I hear you, Mr. NeverTrump, I hear you.  I feel the exact same way you do.
Luckily I've found a candidate that matches each and every one of these qualities.  Even better, it's not Donald Trump.
Sorry, Donald...
"Well who the hell is it?  Don't keep me in suspense anymore!"
All you need to do is click right here to see the perfect #NeverTrump candidate.
"You're such a dick, Radius."
I kid, NeverTrumpers, but only because I have no respect for your beliefs.

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