Friday, May 6, 2016

The Official Woman's Card

Trigger Warning:
It's everywhere you deserve to be...
 Previous Post: Twits Hate Trump - The Trump and The Furious

What's the one card Hillary Clinton never leaves home without?
Original Post: Branco Cartoon - Her Trump Card
 Her woman's card, of course!  Now Hillary can make the male patriarchy quake in terror whenever and wherever she wants.  All she has to do is just pull out her Official Woman's Card and shout "I'M A WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!"  

No longer will women need to fear the horrors of a (mythological) wage gap.  Just whip out your Official Woman's Card, and scream "DEAL ME IN, BITCH!"  You'll instantly receive all back pay you're owed, plus paid indefinite maternity leave, AND a groveling, fearful apology from any man wearing footie pajamas.
He's vewy, vewy sowy.
Then there's that (nonexistent) campus rape culture.  What's the easiest way any good, progressive woman can protect themselves?  Not with a gun, knife, or pepper spray.  Such crude, dangerous devices are beneath the dignity of any woman of good, progressive standing.  Besides, we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, sweetheart.  No, when confronted with an evil, raping man (but I repeat myself) all you need to do is whip out that Official Woman's Card and shout "DEAL ME IN, BITCH!"  Your would-be racist will instantly stop his attack, grow a beard and a man bun, and become a contributing member of progressive society.
Pictured: reformed campus rapist.
Let's say you're not a woman, though.  Let's say you're a man trapped in a woman's body.  You like wearing short skirts, long walks on the beach, and letting your womanly penis swing in the breeze.
It's good to let it air out from time to time...
Now let's say you have some evil RETHUGLICANS insisting you use the bathroom of your binary, socially constructed, biologically assigned sex.  You, however, want to use the bathroom the voices in your head, the neighbor's dog, and the pepper shaker tell you to use.  Can you still use the Official Woman's Card if you have a penis?  Of course you can!  You are still a strong, manly woman who sometimes buys Old Spice and Shick Hydro 5 razors for your 5 o'clock shadow.  Just whip out that Official Woman Card, jut out that distinguished chin, and shout "DEAL ME IN, BITCH!"  Those evil right wingers will fold faster than you can say #BoycottTarget.

Yes, folks, the Official Woman Card can do just about anything.  It's quickly become a vital weapon in the fight for social justice.  No self-respecting woman should be without one.

"Oh my freaking GAWD, Radius, that's awesome!  How the hell can I get my own Official Woman Card?"

It's very simple, dear reader.  First, you simply need to head over to the Official Hill-Store (trademark pending so BACK OFF) and spend $5.  You'll get your Official Woman Card marking you as a member of the FAIRER sex in just a few business days.  It's easy to retain your member ship as a member of the female social justice warrior elite.  Simply vote Democrat straight down the ticket.  It doesn't matter if you have no idea who you're actually voting for.  Just check off the box next to the D.  Then it's time to sit back, relax, and prepare for a life of perpetual whining about the victimhood that's force upon you simply because you have lady parts.
Or because you really, really want lady parts.
Share your thoughts and comments below.  Or follow me on Twitter @trigwarnblog, or check out my Facebook page. 

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