Obama's Wet Dream

Trigger Warning:
A little peak at what MIGHT be...
Flash forward to President Obama's Farewell Address

Good Morning.
I would like to start by first thanking my staff for serving with me these past eight years.  It's no secret that we have faced many challenges as a nation.  We have had to deal with the horrendous economy that I inherited from my predecessor, as well as the threat of violence and terror-both at home, and abroad.  My staff has risen to meet each and every one of these challenges head on.  I couldn't have asked for a better team, and I couldn't be prouder of the work they have done.

Unfortunately that work is not yet complete.  It's no secret that our economy was in worse shape than we were led to believe when I took office.  It has been a long road, but we have made some headway.  We have added jobs at a steady pace since passing such measures as TARP.  The unemployment rate has fallen to a low not seen in nearly ten years, and our GDP has grown steadily.  We have made great strides, but we are not out of the woods yet.  We still have a long way to go.

Our country has made great gains in domestic policy as well.  Today all Americans are able to marry whomever they love regardless of sexual orientation.  More Americans have health insurance and access to quality healthcare than ever before.  Here again, though, we still have more work to be done.  Our nation's police forces, once seen as fair arbiters of law and order, are universally mistrusted by minorities in cities all across the country.  Perhaps most unfortunate is the fact that mass shootings have become commonplace, with nearly one every day in 2015 alone.  We can do better.  We need to do better.

There have been astonishing successes on the world stage.  We have peacefully ended the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.  The prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, long seen as a blight on our nation's honor, has been closed down.  All of the prisoners have been relocated to their countries of origin, and the nations of the world are now taking responsibility for housing their own terror suspects.  Of course we have implemented an historic agreement with the Islamic Republic of Iran as well.  This deal will ensure that Iran will use their nuclear infrastructure for peace rather than war.  This is a deal that works to the betterment of both Iranians and Americans, and prevents an otherwise inevitable confrontation between our two nations.

Of course the international stage is still fraught with challenges.  Russia has continued its aggressive moves both in Europe and elsewhere.  Although we have slowed their advance, ISIL still remains a threat to many people throughout the Middle East.  These situations require constant vigilance on our part.  We cannot afford to rest on our laurels in this regard.

I had hoped that both political parties would take the challenges our nation faces seriously in this last election.  The Democrat party certainly did.  Our nominee, Hillary Clinton, is someone with a proven track record of public service.  She has served in the senate for nearly a decade, and had acted as my own Secretary of State for a number of years.  Moreover, Hillary Clinton has served as First Lady while her husband was president.  It's hard to imagine a candidate who was more qualified.

Compare that to the Republican candidate, Donald Trump.  This is a man who personifies everything that is wrong in American politics.  Mr. Trump is a brash, arrogant individual who shows utter contempt for those who disagree with him.  He is a billionaire who inherited his money, and increased his wealth on the backs of innocent, exploited workers.  Worse of all, the man is an undeniable bigot.  His rhetoric about Muslims in particular, has alienated our closest allies, and inflamed the tempers of our greatest enemies.  It is a proven fact that ISIL has used Mr. Trump's campaign rhetoric to recruit more terrorists for their network.  

I was, quite frankly, stunned when Americans went to the polls this past November, and chose Donald Trump to lead the country through these trying times.  Like many of you I was shocked when the various news outlets reported Mr. Trump winning nearly 60% of the popular vote.  Are we honestly to believe that two thirds of the country doesn't care about the future of our nation?  That doesn't make any sense.

We cannot leave our country in the hands of those who would destroy it.  We cannot allow the great work that we have accomplished to be undone.  Therefore, after much deliberation, I am here to announce that I will not be stepping down as President of the United States.  I will remain in office for a third term, and will continue the policies that have steered our country through troubled waters for the last eight years.

Moreover, I have directed the Department of Justice to issue an arrest warrant for President-Elect Donald Trump for the crimes of blasphemy, inciting hatred and violence, and possible election fraud.  Rest assured we will investigate the results of the 2016 election, and we will hold Donald Trump personally responsible for any instance of voter fraud.  I am also issuing an ultimatum to Mr. Trump; you have 24 hours to turn yourself in to the nearest police precinct.  Otherwise I have directed the FBI to spare no expense in bringing this criminal to justice.

I know it will be difficult for many Americans to accept this new reality.  Therefore I am ordering all congresspersons and senators to return to their districts, and help the people accept the situation.  All offices in the Capitol Building will be locked, and anyone attempting to enter will be arrested for trespassing.  These next few months will be the most difficult time our country has ever faced.  I have faith, though, that the American people will pull through, and we will emerge a stronger, more prosperous nation.

Thank you, and God bless America.
 
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